WATCHING YOUR FRIENDS GROW DUMB
What’s the matter, have you lost your faith?
Reminiscing when the world was safe?
It’ll never get as good as you got it in
High school
Maybe you’ve gone unnoticed
For quite a while, now
American Spirit swells in your young mind
Let better judgment slip away
Leave it all behind today
From all the stomach pumps to the saddle sores
From two-bit whores
No matter who’s your chum
Or even where he’s from
Your mind grows numb
From
Watching your friends grow dumb
Harassment, Harassment
That’s not what her ass meant
Embarrassment
No matter who’s your chum
Or even where she’s from
Your mind is numb
From
Watching your friends grow dumb
SO SMOOTH
Bah-da, ba da, bah bah bah
Stop me if I babble on
I can only tell you what I know
Keep your aspects high
But you might have to set your standards low
Oh, and it gives me such a rise
When I can see myself in her eyes
She thinks I'm staring
Longingly
Into her eyes, but I'm just checking my hair
A whisker here, a pimple there
Stay focused on her eyes
She’ll think that I care
And I won’t stare!
You’re so smooth
This time, on this night, at this bar
Ba da, ba ba dah, ba ba ba ba
You’re so smooth
Old Glory polyesters on your car
Ba da, ba ba dah
Plus she’s a little
Drunk, liquored up, you can hear her purr
Permanent grin and her speech will slur
Nothing to lose or gain
You might as well take the risk
She might not be all that
But she is good enough for this
It was the middle of a very long day
She caught my eye – I couldn’t think straight
What really matters is what she’s like inside
That’s where her heart is
With all those filthy secrets she hides
Swallow your pride
You’re so smooth
You picked her up at a car wash
Ba da, ba ba dah, ba ba ba ba
You’re so smooth
You showed her your Hieronymus Bosch
Ba da, ba ba dah, ba ba ba ba
You’re so smooth
Ba da, ba ba dah, ba ba ba ba
You’re so smooth
Ba da, ba ba dah
As long as she is
Drunk, liquored up, you can hear her purr
Permanent grin and her speech will slur
Eye on the prize, you little Masculite!
You’re wildest temporary fantasies will come true tonight!
SMOOTHIE
(Instrumental)
151
You follow the beat very well
What grade were you in when your mom bought you that shirt?
Movin’ yer squirmin’ an’ groovin’ an’ worm around the room
Flashing lights, bright lights, late at night, yer skirt is tight
And it comes two inches from your shoulder
Looking so Degrassi, tryin’ to look older
Strobe to the beat, man, far out and trippy
Platform plastic leather feet, just yesterday you were a hippie
Keep it four/four so you still know how to do this
Throw in some cheesy handclaps so you still know where your groove is
Wait a minute
Don’t choke on that glow stick
Man in a toga, rubbin’ up behind you
Sweaty and stupid, it wasn’t hard to find you
he followed the trail of dumb that you tend to leave
And he followed the rule of thumb that they’re easy when they weave
Back and forth, shake your rump to a dance remix of “Free Bird”
Play a little guitar but its really only keybird
You look good in your new tube socks
I’ll introduce you to our drummer, he’s a little plastic box
Movin’ yer squirmin’ an’ groovin’ and shroomin’ on the floor
And yer mind is tapping channels that you’ve never dreamed before
Love everybody, let ‘em see your aura
You would cheat on your boyfriend but you’re wasted on the floora
Pixies and fairies are dancin’ all around you
Trippin’ over other assholes passed out on the floor, too
It’s a big bass beat and baby, yer so small
Are you seein’ stars or just the disco ball?
Marlboro Light burns away in your hand
And it’s time to readjust your artificial tracks of land, fool
Drool runnin’ down your chin, yer almost in a coma
But yer real estate looks really great, someone will take you home-a
Someone will take you home tonight
Do not worry
As they say, everything will be alright
Just leave your car here, we’ll get in the morning
You got a ride?
Is she inside?
Oh, I’m sorry, he…
Don’t worryHe’s in there thinking he is who he wants to be
MAN OF ALL SEASONINGS
Across logs and lily pads
Frogger will leap
But he can’t see the floor
Because the water’s too deep
Away from my phone
Leave your message at the beep
And I’ll listen to all your reasonings, I’m the
Man of all seasonings
Tarragon, paprika, and a
Dash of Ginger Spice
Geri Halliwell showin’ off
Everything that’s nice
We’ll keep it kosher
As long as it will still entice
And we’ll sample some Jackie Gleasonings, I’m the
Man of all seasonings
When push comes to shove
I’m your summer of love
No need to be shy, baby
I’m your fall guy
We’ll go hand in hand
To my winter-green wonderland
So shut up and listen, baby
I’m your spring chicken
Shut up and listen, baby
I’m your spring chicken
Shut up and listen, baby
I’m your spring chicken
Shut up!
YOU shut up!
For every other college grad
Another car sold
Thank you Mom for breakfast
Eggs Benedict Arnold
Get out of my home
Don’t return to my stronghold
&Cause I’m sick of all your treasonings
You ain’t doing no pleasonings
Don’t make me get all Bruce Leesonings
I’m the man of all seasonings
ALASKAN JESUS
What Would Jesus Do for a Klondike bar?
Jesus don't love you
He'll push and he'll shove you
And boot you right out of the convent
God damn you, God damn you
Body of Christ slam you
He’ll give you the plague without comment
See what you’re missin’
You’re not a good Christian
Consider what I say a warning
You sin and you sin and you sin and you sin and
Young man, where were you Sunday morning?
Kids cry, old men cough
Church bulletins will waft
And fan off the ones who parishion
You snub and you scoff and
You don't pray too often
Because the Church ain’t air conditioned
I’ve never met such a Babylon harlot
Who don’t seem to know how to listen
I hear what you're saying, but you should be praying
I’ll show you what you should be kissin’
Just be a real man and follow the Lord’s plan
And don’t wear your numb skull so thickly
A liar! A whore! You’re a bed hog! You snore!
And above all, you quasm too quickly
QUASM
A filter swept across a triangle wave
Won’t make you immune
Even if you save
At your favorite Christian Discount Bookstore
(It’s called “Jesus Saves”)
It’s a…
A deep unease forms a chasm in your ideals
Loss of sexual control and the jettisoning of recent meals
Due to excessive consumption of inebriants
Cumulating in a misfiring of synapses
It’s a…
A cosmic black hole that echoes with the sound of laughter
Someone with no business being naked gets naked
And jumps into the baptismal fountain
Try to forget, bullshit, I saw you there it left our
Stomachs in a quasm
Inhaling an entire box of saltines
Stay close to people who all know what you mean
1 million people simultaneously release
1 million cans of fragranced aerosol
The effect on the atmosphere can easily be
Described as a quasm
Like a spot so sticky from your gobbily goop
From the spigot that supplies all your pantily soup
Just be sure you don’t finish before you begin
Quickly quasmed Quincy so with him broke up Quinn
Or maybe the definition of a quasm
Is a duck having an orgasm?
CONFINED (SUNDAY MORNING)
She doesn’t have much need for wealth
She was made with perfect health
She is happy with herself
But we know
Just how far she’ll ever go
She can’t move far from her window on her own
Sunbeam shining on your face
Won’t always bring you happiness
In spite of those who gave you life
You’ll never have a chance
Living in a colored world
At the pen of Browne
How can one who says so much
Never make a sound?
She’s nurtured well by Hi’s and Lo’s
She doesn’t have much need for clothes
And when she screams nobody knows
What she wants
But she’s real in someone’s thoughts
Withholding truths that she does not deserve to know
Sunbeam shining on your face
Won’t always bring you happiness
In spite of those who gave you life
You’ll never have a chance
Living in a colored world
At the pen of Browne
How can one who says so much
Never make a sound?
She seems to rise through thick and thin
How do we know she’ll always win
And who’s the fool that let her in
On the staff
She never seems to make me laugh
And she’ll return after I tear her world in half
SLEEPING
(Instrumental)
NINE O’CLOCK
It’s nine o’clock,
I’m buttoning my shirt
Stole the neighbor’s roses, babe
On the way home from work (for you)
Tie my tie
I’ll pick you up at ten
We’ll go see a movie
We’ll hit the bar and then
I will try and get you good and drunk
And into your pants
Just lower your defenses girl and give me a chance
You ain’t no virgin flower, girl
Your looks are below par
But the more I drink the more I think how pretty you are
We rolled into the Chug ‘n’ Pub
At twelve twenty-nine
Baby, now you look substandard
But by one you’ll be lookin’ fine
Hey…
I’ll fain interest in what you say
Over glasses of wine
We’ll do another round of shots
And you can have mine
As I try to get you good and drunk
For later tonight
But no foolin’ you I’m drinkin’ too so you look alright
Just how many cocktails will it take?
So far you don't make the grade
Well, God invented booze so even you could get laid
Girl, you’re lookin’ fine, if I may lie
You put a lotta work into your hair
But next time dear
Do me a por favour?
And wear some slacks with room to spare
What’s that dear? You’re lookin’ bored
Well, I just need something to nail
It’s late at night, and just like a kite
I need a little piece of tail
And I’ll try to get you good and drunk
Come stay with me tonight
I already called your father and he says it’s alright
Don’t worry that I forgot your name
I’ll love you all night long
But when I wake up in the morning you had better best be gone
CLASS A
It’s a mighty fine day ‘cause I’m smokin’ class A
Class A cigarettes
I only smoked one and I still got plenty
this class A pack came with Class A twenty
Class A cigarettes
Don’t go givin’ me no class B
They don’t taste good and they’re bad for me
Generic’s fine, I can deal with that
So long as it says “Class A” on the pack
Class A cigarettes
BUSINESS TRIP
I’m watching shooting stars and
They’re spelling out your name
(Well, it’s been) one night, eleven bars and
All the women look the same
Because whenever I’m away from you
Yours is the only face I see
So it don’t matter who my hand gropes
Because they’re all just you to me
I’m on a business trip
For another day or two
It’s just a business trip
My client, she looks so much like you
That when I’m cheating on you, babe
Yours is the only name I scream
And when I’m waking up beside her
Yours is the only face I see
So I must really love you (yes, I do)
And what you don’t know won’t hurt me
(But anyway)
Don’t matter how they smell ‘cause
All I smell’s your sweet perfume
And I imagine those are your clothes on the floor there
In this, our double-bed hotel room
But don’t worry, I could never love her
&Cause she don’t mean shit to me
But when ever I’m away from you
It’s networking, networking, y’know what I mean?
Arr arr arr
Oh sure, I say yes, but I mean no
Don’t that mean anything at all?
And I could never ever leave you
There’s no one else the kids can call
Mom
Playing the slots now and the
Cherries are your eyes
I’m getting hot now and the
Lemons are your thighs
Because whenever I’m away from you
Yours is the only body I see
From that woman outside my hotel window
To this hooker riding me
I’m flying home tonight
I hope you’ve done the household chores
Got me a stewardess
She’s got a nose that looks like yours
And we’re kickin’ it like you and I do
I’m about a mile high
And she makes that face that you do
When she gets it in the eye
But I’ll come home to you tonight
And tell you everything’s alright
Yes, I’ll come home to you tonight
And tell you I enjoyed my flight
YOUR MOM CALLED (AND SHE SAID YOU’RE WRONG)
He hears what she’s saying
And he knows that she really understands
They’ve had hard some times before
So here he is, holding her hand
He wants to work through this
To put it in the past
Forget that time in the parking log
Now can I sign your cast?
Don’t talk no smack
Let your eyes roll back
And tell me how you feel
I know your mind’s made up, now let’s make up
You’re standing up, so kneel
I don’t like to fight
You know I’m right, and
You say you don’t like my tone
So mouth it dear, let the lipstick smear onto the microphone
Your mom called again yesterday
And she said to say you’re wrong
I said she said to say you’re wrong, I say
She said to say you’re wrong
I see your faucet’s leaking
I’ve got a drippy spout
We can work this out
If we get to the point
Hey, I like the way you make my balls smack
When you throw your shoulder out of joint
(out of joint, out of joint)
She wouldn’t dare to spit it out
Stain the drive-thru window’s grout
Mama Llama’s wondering where she’s at
She’ll wipe her chin and call her back
You were a wily one
Who never really cleaned her plate
And you were cute when you were young
You were loved and average weight
Shut your mouth
Open wide
We even got Ed’s Secret Sauce inside
Your mom called again yesterday
And she said to say you’re wrong
I said she said to say you’re wrong, I say
She said to say you’re wrong
She wouldn’t dare to spit it out
Stain the drive-thru window’s grout
Mama Llama's wondering where she’s at
She’ll wipe her chin and call her back
Her chin and she’ll call her back
You won’t spoil your appetite with just one snack
VELVET PELVIS
(Instrumental)
ARNOLD
(Instrumental)
WHAT’S YOUR LUBE OF CHOICE, BABE?
Marvel Elvira!
You’ll see Jenny Lee!
They’re short, deformed and lovely
Drew the crowd in ‘33
Randian is rolling fags with his mouth!
With his mouth!
Johnny Eck conducts the band on one hand!
If you and I were Hiltons
We’d be a doublewide
Our floral conjoinment!
I would never leave your side
At twenty-one inches short stood Lya Graf
She was photographed on J.P. Morgan’s lap
But for tonight let me show you
What you’ll be doing
Where you’ll be working
Who you’ll be screwing
There’s a sucker born every minute!
There’s a sucker born every minute!
Let me show you my cannon, I’m plannin’ to fire it at tonight’s big finale, let me
Show you my cannon, I’m plannin’ to fire it at tonight’s big finale!
Slip in, slip in, slip in
(And I forgot to ask you)
Slip in, slip in, slip in
(And I forgot to ask you)
Slip in, slip in, slip in
(And I forgot to ask you)
Slip in, slip in, slip in, slip in
Slip in, and I forgot to ask you
What’s your lube of choice, babe?
We can’t keep up with the Jim Roses
Our show is awful weak
They’ve dangling concrete
From their genitalia
That’s what makes them freaks
Elephant Man’s Syndrome known as Proteus
Wrong diagnosis – neurofibromatosis?
Alligator skin, Siamese twins and claws for hands, they had the
Mule-faced Woman! Made the men faint in the stands
Just about that time I hear the drummers’ roll
Wear your stupid hat and slip inside the hole
Hark! The hollow echo what surrounds your voice!
Going for the distance with your lube of choice…
Slip in, slip in, slip in
(And I forgot to ask you)
Slip in, slip in, slip in
(And I forgot to ask you)
Slip in, slip in, slip in
(And I forgot to ask you)
Slip in, slip in, slip in, slip in
Slip in, and I forgot to ask you
What’s your lube of choice, babe?
FIRM ROUND BEASTS / MR. PHILIPS
Let me apologize in advance for co-existing in your space
I hold you responsible for the lame look you put on my face
(Don’t ever dance on the edge of a bathtub!)
Chewed my toys twenty-five times before swallowing
Turn around, look behind, someone is following
I’ve got a date with a Turkish photographer
He’s a Turk; he’ll take your piksha
Hopes you got repellent wit’ ya
Firm round beasts is gonna get ya
I may be a bad influence but I am one of high morale
I will even return my shopping cart to the cart corral
(It’s amazing how they fit together!)
Do you think that I don’t know that you know what I say ‘bout you?
So what if I hurt your feelings, so what if it wasn’t true
Guess I’m just a lousy person
Money jar for all my cursin’
Hopes you got repellent wit’ ya
Firm round beasts is gonna get ya
Chew another stout
That’s what it’s all about
Let me take your hat
This is where it’s at
Mr. Philips
Everyone's favorite old man
Gray hair, wrinkles, happy smile
Janitor for quite a while
Cleans up all the school kids’ bile
Yeah
WHITE COTTON GLOVES
(Instrumental)
copyright 2005 Dr. Kilpatient
